I am fine.
A quick note: I was originally going to call this post “Just book the appointment” But found it more fitting to call it “I am fine.” I have a collection of videos throughout 2020 where I talk to the camera and say “I’m fine” when clearly I was not. And I think now, I finally am fine, or if I am not I know I will be eventually. SO this is an ode to that Millie. Letting her know that actually now, its a lot better. Maybe this can be a message to you if you are struggling right now, that it does in fact, get better.
Over the weekend I sat outside a surf shop for 15 minutes in tears because I couldn’t go inside. This wasn’t because the place was closed, it wasn’t because I couldn’t walk, it was that I was actually terrified of going inside…to buy a leg rope. This was due to the lady that worked there giving a judgemental look when I bought surf wax the day before and when she asked what type I confidently said “we’re new to this so just whatever you think” expecting her to be nice about it but she just grabbed one and handed one over with a stare. Now in hindsight this was a surf town, she probably dealt with a million tourists getting in her way at the line up and probably had already had an off day with a couple in store. But to me this meant that if I went in to buy a leg rope the next day she was going to scoff or worse JUDGE ME.
My whole life I’ve lived with potential situations replaying in my head as if this was a normal occurrence. As if these situations my mind put me through were preparing me for the worst case scenario and that’s just survival tactics. I know this fight flight freeze mode is a part of evolution but being in a constant state over it, particularly over a leg rope, is where I draw my line.
I recognised I needed help last September. I got home from a big lap of Australia with my boyfriend and I was an emotional wreck. I felt unsatisfied with my life back home constantly wanting more, to be on the road again, because travelling was all I was known for. But when someone asked me how my trip was I would shrug and say “yeah it was really fucking hard to be honest, but it was good” my mind could only see the negative of a life changing experience. I remember announcing one time that I need to see a psychologist to my mum dad and boyfriend, they asked why and I explained that I thought all of this in my head would go away with the end of school but two years out and I am still struggling.
A month later I drove home uncontrollably sobbing as I ran into someone I knew at the supermarket and couldn’t manage the awkward smiles as we continued to bump into each other after talking. I had expected that moment to lead to some ‘euphoria’ style intervention where my family practically force me to see a psychologist, despite, for the most part, appearing fine, and when they didn’t it made me understand what people mean when they say “the only person that can help you is you.”
I finally booked the appointment. But what’s crazy is that first you have to go to a doctor. I booked my appointment with my GP who I had seen for years. That woman had helped me through my (for lack of a nicer word) hoe phase so I knew I could count on her to open up about my mental health considering she’d seen every other part of me. I cancelled that appointment in a heartbeat when something else came up. After realising what I’d done, I went to a completely random doctor instead. It was a lot easier talking to someone who I knew nothing about and vice versa. He referred me to a practise in the area that was only open 9-5 during the week. I had just started full-time work so those hours were not going to work for me. This is where having a dad who used to work in the field helped a lot because he had contacts and told me about a woman he met through work that he thought would suit me really well. When the day came to go I was riddled with nerves, she asked me on a scale of 1-10 how anxious I felt in the moment and I said a 9, she looked at me shocked. This is when I realised how much I cover these things up.
I believe that hearing someone tell you that you have anxiety is the first step to feeling just that little bit better.
Just recognising that “okay, this isn’t me its just irrational thoughts” took me to feeling so much better after only 3 sessions. Being able to stop myself in moments of fear for the first time and go “I’m lying in my bed trying to sleep why am I worried about what happened 6 months ago” has changed the game for me. I feel more present, I feel more mature in my emotions. Sure, slip ups like the weekend still happen, because it doesn’t just magically disappear, I still feel anxiety in scatterings throughout each day. Factors such as stress, your cycle, diet and alcohol consumption all play a role in when anxiety is going to pop up. I am no professional and that’s why going to a professional is what I see as the best thing you can do. I think a lot of people see psychologists as someone you go back to the past with and dig up whatever is still hurting you, and I’m sure that can work for a lot of people. But just turning my focus to the future and deciding that living the way I was is not what I want anymore opened my mind to a whole new sphere of self awareness.
I am in no way completely healed of anxiety and probably never will be (the amount of coffee I consume probably doesn’t help me) but I feel like now I have the tools to calm myself, even though they were right there all along, having a professional tell me that I was doing the right things was what I needed to hear.
I am only 20 years old and I still have so many years of growing and maturing to go through but I feel like 2023 has already been such a big personal development year and the first step was booking that appointment.
An exercise my psychologist taught me:
Whenever you are feeling that anxiousness pop up try and take a minute to yourself, even if it means popping to the bathroom at work. Take three deep breaths in and out. Then clench your fists and take another three deep breaths in and out but releasing your fists as you breathe out. Take another three deep breaths in and out.
I love you.
You are loved.
Now go look in the mirror and tell yourself that.
<3
